My husband’s spending is NOT out of control… but my mouth is?

A female reader, Petya, left me a comment on My husband spends too much money… or is it just me? The reader comment also had a link to her blog, and I was curious to check it out. Her most recent post was titled The art of spending (in two different points of view) , and it was about my post about my husband’s spending. Here’s what jumped at me the first time I read it:

I came upon an interesting article about spending… want to share with you some of what shocked me… I realized that my spending habits are not that bad after all. Not that I was afraid they are, but it’s different when you see that you are far away from any obsessed-to-insanity money-saving addiction. I’m afraid this is not a healthy way of life… there are plenty of things that keep bugging me ever since I read those lines…

Okay, not exactly what I was hoping to see :) But that’s okay, because when I wrote that piece, I did expect that most people would react like this.

In my opinion, no matter how hard the financial situation for a family is, I can not believe that one could make a big deal out of how many squirts of liquid soap his/her better half is using. Or if he/she is buying peanuts and mustard … Or how much toilet paper he/she uses when blowing his/her nose … And I’m sure it’s not the best idea to expose all these issues on the internet! Isn’t your relationship classified as the most private area of your life? Isn’t revealing all these things putting in danger your relation with the loved one? We should all take a moment to think about what we cause to the person next to us, when making his/her personal life public too.

Your Honor! The Defendant would like to say she admits to writing about her husband’s usage of liquid soap. However, The Defendant would like to point out that she did not voice her irritation at the time of The Liquid Soap Incident and kept her thoughts to herself. So we ask that the term “make a big deal” be re-assessed.

As for “exposing all these issues on the internet” and “putting in danger your relation[ship] with the loved one,” The Defendant would like to point out that she…

Oh screw that, I gotta speak in the first person.

I have a big rule about blogging: NEVER WRITE STUFF YOU CAN’T OWN UP TO. If something feels too personal for me to talk about in real life, then I sure won’t publish it online. That post about my husband’s spending had been sitting in my Drafts folder for maybe two weeks, ready to go, but I didn’t publish it. It felt wrong to share this with the internet when I hadn’t first talked to him about it (not about publishing but about how I felt). So I talked to him about how I felt and he knows about my dirty, secret crazy.

We’ve also had many little talks about what’s important to us financially and about the little spending choices we make every day. I’ve made a point to share with him how I feel, even if – especially if! – I’m uncomfortable about the topic. I think it’s much more healthy for our marriage if I show him that I am not perfect but that I’m working on it, instead of pretending to be perfect. I’d rather tell him I have an issue with (his) money spending and also that I’m working on it, instead of pretending everything’s fine and dandy.

And I don’t think “We should all take a moment to think about what we cause to the person next to us” because he has nothing to be ashamed of. If anyone is in the wrong here, I’d be the first to hang. :)

I realize that my ways seem odd to many of you. But that’s okay, because life’s not perfect and people are not perfect, and by sharing my odd views I make sure you can’t accuse me of leading you to think that real life is any kind of picture-perfect. Yeah so it bugs me to see my husband use more liquid soap than he needs to. And it bugs me when he takes the car when he can take the bus. And I’m sure it bugs him when I eat my leftover food even though he insists I should just throw it away and make a new batch. We are not perfect and our circumstances are not perfect, and it doesn’t matter one bit because we are happily in love :)

That’s what our marriage is like. That’s what our real life looks like.

And if you think that post was sharing too much… just wait till my next post when I’m showing you what our apartment looks like. Including the awful bathroom we have. Yeah baby!! :)

Like that? Check all our stories in the archive.

6 thoughts on “My husband’s spending is NOT out of control… but my mouth is?”

  1. Hi, Raya :) Don’t get the wrong idea – I like your blog and I have read almost everything in it. I do not criticize any actions or writing (yours or anyone else’s) – I just think we are somehow different in our perceptions of life (but our stories are not so different as you may think). I’m sorry my words came out that way and I definitely did not want to be in a conflict with you.

    In my opinion your post reflected your readers a lot and you should be proud that your writing style makes a difference and leads to a discussion. No matter if we, your readers, think like you or not.

    p.s. According to me, we should not live under so much stress (about spending, or else). But I’ve been there too and I’ve changed thanks to my husband. I’m still changing … I think for the best.

    Wish you all the best! Take care!

  2. Hi Petya,

    Of course we’re different, and that’s perfectly normal. I expect most people to disagree with my opinions, and I thought your post was maybe a representative example of what many others thought, too, but didn’t speak their mind :)

  3. Hi Rya!

    Recently I read your blog and I want to extend my congratulations to you for the useful information you share.
    Unfortunately, I was a little bit discordant about your last two posts. But, I was not writing this comment to refute you, or to try to change your life… huh, who am I to do this :)

    I want to share my opinion (and my experience of course) on one point.

    In last two posts you said: “…it bugs me when he takes the car when he can take the bus.”

    In section “about” you said: “But we don’t get to spend much time together… but I’m heartbroken everytime he leaves for work and I kiss him goodbye at the bus-stop.”.

    Don`t you think that if you make a small compromise about saving money and let your husband to go to work with the car, he will have more time for you?

    Additionally, I don`t think that saving money at the expense of the time is a good idea. I accept the money for fuel and maintenance of car like investment in time. The time I have saved, I can do a lot of things (e.g. take a rest, paying attention to beloved person, or even making money). Do you think these are a stupid expenditure? :)

    I am waiting your opinion :)
    With Best Wishes!

  4. Hi V.V.,

    You are right that taking the car would be faster. However, it’s not THAT much faster, and certainly not faster enough to be worth the money. The difference is 10-20 minutes depending on traffic. He works in shifts and our schedules don’t match, so even if he saves 15 minutes by taking the car, I’m not home to enjoy that extra time with him. So we try to save using the car for when we really need it – like when we visit my mom or go for a medical check-up on my pregnancy or when my father-in-law has to take the car. My husband still takes the car to work sometimes when the weather is really bad or when he has to be somewhere after work and has to hurry. Sometimes when we go out to eat or go for a walk, we take the car just because we feel like it, even though we don’t really “need” it. That’s how we’ve chosen to use it.

    But that wouldn’t be possible if we were using the car every day for work. Overall, we both agree that there’s no point in using the car when we can take the company bus for free (we work for the same company and they provide each employee with a bus pass).

    Also each time we drive the car it’s not only gas we’re paying for – there’s oil, antifreeze, lights, tires and so on that wear out a little bit everytime, and that adds to the cost of the trip.

  5. Well, the ingredient list I see on their website contains olive oil and jojoba oil… or are you using something other than the liquid soap? Thanks!

  6. @get smart – I’m not sure what you mean. But the liquid soap we use is the one of the cheapest out there, so it has no fancy stuff like jojoba or olive oil :)

Leave a Comment